How long should mourning following the death of a parent last?

[lethargic_man]

A while ago I posted asking how long my readers thought a religious service should last, and was intrigued to get answers in a completely different range from my non-Jewish readers compared to my Jewish ones.

So now I'd like to run a different question past, in particular, my non-Jewish readers:

How long do you think one should deny oneself the pleasurable things in life—in particular, listening to music and attending parties—following the death of a parent? (It would be helpful, though not essential, if respondents could indicate whether they have been bereaved themselves.)

Again, I will post my own views at a subsequent date.

Comments

[iddewes]

I am grateful to not be in the position you are currently in, but my mother actually doesn't want us to mourn her at all when she dies - she wants us to have a big crazy party celebrating her life!

[green_knight]

When my mother was in hospital and after her death, I needed all the good stuff that I could hold onto: friends, laughter, things that made me laugh and/or smile. (There were enough tears. More than enough.) I would not have attended a party (though I did visit friends); I would have refrained from frivolous things like seeking out new shallow experiences. (Err, hard to explain. I wouldn't have bought things on a whim, I would not have bought novels/magazines/DVDs whose only purpose were to entertain me, that sort of thing.)
I listened to a lot of music, because my love of classical music was one of the things my mother gave me; and music helped. Again, I did listen to funny things I already had a connection to, but would not have bought a new pop CD or gone to a concert.

But the thing is that 'denying myself pleasurable things' is the last thing my mother would have wanted me to do - just because I met with friends and got pleasure anywhere I could find it did not mean that I did not mourn her or that I'm not still missing her.

So the answer to that, I think, is 'whatever feels right to you'. I think the balance between keeping functional thanks to [thing] and losing yourself in [thing] is different for every person, and might change even for the same person, but the main thing for me was to remain functional as I had a job to do and needed all the strength and energy I could muster.

Also, <hugs>

[lnr.livejournal.com]

I don't think there is any fixed time where that sort of thing would be inappropriate - and if it helps you cope while mourning then you should be permitted to carry on as much as normal as you wish! The amount of time you feel unhappy to attend parties or celebrate will vary enormously for individuals. Listening to music isn't something I would find incompatible with mourning. In fact to some extent it can be a celebration of your loved one and a way of cherishing their memory to do your best to continue to enjoy the things you would have done together once they're gone.

I consider myself an atheist of Christian background, mostly CofE). I have not lost a parent or partner myself.

[naath]

Not at all. Indeed in my family the first thing one does after the funeral is hold a party for the family and friends of the deceased to get together and remember the deceased and console each other.

I don't think my refraining from fun does anything useful in and of itself.

I think it is good to support people known to be ill; which might mean giving up fun things to help them. And after a death to support the people who were closest to the deceased, which might also mean giving up fun. So supporting the remaining parent (if one remains) would be important - and what that means would be up to the parent.