The prayer to be recited on visiting one's mother's grave

[lethargic_man]

I don't know about you, but I find the Jewish liturgy can often be rather dry and unemotional. Even for the most emotional points of one's life—bris milah, the wedding ceremony, the graveside kaddish or memorial prayer—the liturgy often reads like it's written by someone who hasn't experienced what he's writing for, and is more concerned about getting in Scriptural references than reflecting the emotion the one reading this might feel.

Consequently, I was astonished, the first time I visited my mother's grave after her funeral, to discover the following beautiful, moving and emotive prayer to be said on such an occasion, which I reproduce here for the benefit especially of my un-bereaved readers, whom I suspect will have as little idea as I that such a prayer exists in Judaism:

Peace unto thy beautified and pious soul, beloved and affectionate mother, who hast given me birth, and has reared me. Thou, who has loved, fostered and cherished me, and who had endured much suffering for me all the days of thy existence. Thou whose maternal care has been unceasingly devoted to my happiness, whose eye so ardently watched over my physical and mental development. But alas! since thou didst go the way of all flesh, I find nowhere a guide like unto thee, I therefore have strengthened myself on my way, and proceeded to the field of weeping, until I came to the house of my mother, and to the chamber of her who bore me. And lo! there I could behold thine earthly remains, wrapt in the sleep of death, whilst thy soul has soared heavenwards, and I exclaim: peace be unto thy soul, and may thy repose be in glory, thou blessed of women! May continually be verified in thee the promise, Arise, shine, for thy light is come, and the glory of the Eternal is risen upon thee. But I thy servant turn unto thee, that thou mayest invoke upon thy son/daughter the tender mercies of God, that He may vouchsafe to hear the voice of my supplication, when I say, O thou awe-inspiring and holy God! extend Thy forgiveness, pardon my transgressions, and let Thine ineffable attributes prevail! May He who establishes peace in His high heavens be gracious unto us, as in the time of old. May He from His celestial seat grant me daily food and sustenance, and not be silent unto my tears, when in distress I call upon the Eternal as a poor and needy one. May He be gracious unto me and bid His benign messengers: "Redeem him from going down into the grave. May his bread not fail, nor should he see corruption." Grant that I may be worthy to behold children and children's children attached and devoted to Thy sacred laws, to perform Thy commandments, to walk in the path of uprightness, and be adorned with a crown of a good name free from sin and pure from guilt. May thy pious soul rest in calm and quietude in the garden of Eden, in the circle of the pious and righteous mothers in Israel. Mayest thou be deemed worthy rise to everlasting life, in fellowship with all those pious, virtuous and godly daughters, to stand for thy lot at the end of thy days. May God please do so. Amen.

שָׁלוֹם לָךְ אִמִּי מוֹרָתִי, אֲשֶׁר טִפַּחְתְ וְרִבִּית אוֹתִי׃ וְנִצְטַעַרְתְּ עָלַי בְּלִי שִׁעוּר כְּפֵאָה וּכְבִכּוּרִים וְכָרֵאְיוֹן, וְנִטְפַּלְתְ בִּי כָּל־יָמַיִךְ, וְכָל־מַחְסוֹרִי הָיָה לִי מִיָדַיִךְ׃ וְעַתָּה מִיוֹם אֲשֶׁר הָלַכְתְּ בְּדֶרֶךְ כָּל־הָאָרֶץ לֹא נִשְׁאֲרָה לִי אוֹמֶנֶת כָּמוֹךְ, כִּי בְכָל־עֵת הֵכַנְתְ אֶת־טוֹבָתִי׃ וּבִרְאוֹתִי אָרְחִי וְזוֹ צָרָתִי הָלַכְתִּי לִשׂדֵה בוֹכִים, עַד שֶׁבָּאתִי אֶל־בֵּית אִמִּי וּלְחֶדֶר הוֹרָתִי׃ וְהִנֵּה הִיא לוּטָה בַשִּׂמְלָה, וְרוּחָהּ עָלְתָה לְמַעְלָה, וְאָמַרְתִּי שָׁלוֹם לָךְ וְשָׁלוֹם לִמְנוּתָתֵךְ וְשָׁלוֹם לְנִשְׁמָתֵךְ׃ מִנָּשִׁם בָאֹהֵל תְּבֹרָךְ, וְתָמִיד יֵאָמֵר עָלִַיְךְ, קוּמִי אוֹרִי כִּי בָא אוֹרְךְ, וּכְבוֹד ה׳ עָלִַיְךְ יִזְרָח׃ וְלִי אֲנִי עַבְדְּךְ, יֶהֱמוּ־נָא רַחֲמַיִךְ לְהִתְפַּלֵּל בַעֲדִי אֶל־ה׳, שִֶׁיִשְׁמַע קוֹל תַּחֲנוּנַי, בְּאָמרִי אָנָּא נוֹרָא וְקָדוֹשׁ תַּרְבֶּה מְחִילָתֶךָ, פּשָׁעַי לִסְלוֹחַ תְּגַלְגֵּל מִדּוֹתֶיךָ׃ יְחָנֵּנִי מִיּוֹמַיִם בְּרַחֲמָיו עוֹשֶׂה שָׁלוֹם בִּמְרוֹמָיו׃ וְיַסְפִּיק לִי מִשּׁמָיו בִּר וְלֶחֶם וּמָזוֹן בְּרַחֲמָיו, וְאֶל־דִּמְעָתִי אַל־יֶחֱרַשׁ בְּקָרְאִי מִן־הַמֵּצַר כְּעָנִי וָרָשׁ׃ יְחָנֵּנִי וְיֹאמֶר פְּדָעֵהוּ מֵרֶדֶת שַׁחַת, וְלֹא יֶחְסַּר לַחְמוֹ וְלֹא יָמוּת לַשַּׁחַת׃ וִיזַכֵּנִי לִרְאוֹת בָּנִים וּבְנֵי בָנִים בַּתוֹרָה וּבְמִצְוֹת עוֹסְקִים, וְיִהִיוּ בַּעֲלֵי מִצְוֹת וְשֵׁם טוֹב וְצַדִּיקִים, וּמִכָּל־עָוֹן וְאַשְׁמָה מְנֻקִּים׃ וְאַתְּ, נִשְׁמָתֵךְ תִּשְׁכּוֹן בְּצֵל עֲצֵי עֵדֶן אֵצֶל הָאִמָהוֹת הַיְשָׁרוֹת הַקְּדוֹשׁוֹת וְהַטְהוֹרוֹת׃ וְתִזְכִּי לַעֲמוֹד לִתְחִיָּה עִם־שְׁאָר נָשִׁים שַׁאֲנַנּוֹת וַחֲסִידִים וַחֲסִידוֹת בְּנוֹת עֲלִיָה, וְתַעֲמְדִי לְגֹרָלֵךְ לְקֵץ הַיָּמִין׃ כֵּן יַעֲשֶׂה הָאֵל ה׳, אָמֵן׃

The first time I saw this prayer, I was very moved by it (but didn't have the wherewithal with me to record it); the second time likewise. The third time, though, something narked me about it, but I'm now struggling to figure out what. I think it might be the intercession at the start of the second paragraph, which is in clear breach of the fifth of Maimonides' Thirteen Principles of Faith, the nearest Judaism has to a creed: that one should only pray directly to God. Intercession, as most Jews perceive it, is something Catholics do, not us.

And yet the Thirteen Principles of Faith don't have the weight of a formal creed (and there have been prominent rabbis in every century since they were written disagreeing with every one apart from the existence of God), and there are two other examples of intercessionism which have crept into Jewish prayer without, I suspect, most people noticing: בָּרְכוּנִי לְשָׁלוֹם מַלְאֲכֵי הַשָּׁלוֹם, said on a Friday night before Kiddush, and בַּמָרוֹם יְלַמְּדוּ עֲלֵיהֶם וְעָלֵנוּ זְכוּת in bentshing.

Looking at the prayer in a wider context, it also seems to reflect a confusion about whether, as here, the dead can intercede for the living before God, or whether the living need to pray for עֲלִיַת נִשְׁמוֹתָם, to elevate their souls from Gehinnom.

But then there has never been a Jewish consensus on the nature of the afterlife, and the Jewish attitude is to concentrate on this life rather than speculating about the next.

Two other things about this prayer occur to me before I leave the subject: The objection someone put forward when I blogged the words of the Yizkor prayer used by Belsize Square Synagogue, that this isn't appropriate for those who did not have a good relationship with their deceased parents. In this case, I don't think that's so much a problem: If you have a problem with this prayer, simply don't say it. There is no halachic imperative to say a prayer here. (Nor indeed is there at Yizkor, though there is I feel a stronger weight of expectation there.)

And finally, looking closely, I see that some of what moved me came from the translation, which is a little free, rather than from the original Hebrew. I wonder where it came from. I encountered this prayer in the book of prayers for mourners compiled by the late R. Toperoff for the United Hebrew Congregation of Newcastle upon Tyne; the look and feel (page layout, font, translation style) of which are the same as the first edition Singer's Prayer Book—and yet this prayer isn't in the Singer's Prayer book (or at least I don't think so: it's not in the later editions, and whilst I don't have a copy of the first edition, I do have a copy of the commentary companion volume, from which I can deduce that it wasn't in the first edition Singer's as it stood in 1922 in at least).

For all the above quibbling, though, the above is all just nit-picking: I still retain the positive reaction I had to this prayer the first time I saw it.

Comments

[iddewes]

I think it's lovely. My mother does not have a grave but perhaps I could say it when I eventually go to Wales with my sister to spread her ashes.

[curious_reader]

My grandmother has a grave stone although she was cremated. All we had left were ashes. I guess my aunt decided to have one that she can remember her and visit the grave.
Where is this nice prayer written? Who wrote it and when? I could imagine it is pretty modern.

[lethargic_man]

Where is this nice prayer written? Who wrote it and when? I could imagine it is pretty modern.

I don't know any more than I've written above. Looking at the Hebrew, I don't think it's modern; I think it's mediaeval. But that's a good question. I just had a look in the other siddurim here, and almost all of them don't have such a prayer; the only ones that do are the (UK) Reform siddur, and a prewar German-only women's siddur aviva_m has, but neither of those has the same wording as this prayer; so I don't know whether it might not be written by the United Synagogue after all, but that's just a guess.